Shirley god loves me more because I am big and fat, for
Shirley god loves the fat.
Shirley god loves how the books in the Chronicles of
Narnia series and the Lord of the Rings trilogy witness to the lost. [ Contributed
by Andrew ______ ]
Shirley god doesn't condemn a homosexual relationship
if it's a loving one.
[ Contributed by Bob __________ of San Diego ]
Shirley god is blessed more by big monster churches than
by small house churches.
[ Contributed by Rita Marlene _____________ ]
Shirley god has many images and HE can speak through
different versions (of the Bible).
[ Verbatim from James L Hewett iv defending the perversion bibles ]
Shirley God won't mind if an elderly woman of God teaches
the adult Sunday School Class. The pastor raved about how he was blessed
by her teaching the class. "She is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I am
so refreshed..."
[ Contributed by Darrell Duncan. The next is my addition from experience.
]
Shirley god can use single lady missionaries to direct
the church ministry on the foreign missionfield if there is no man available.
Shirley god knows "how difficult it is in today's
world for engaged couples to be faithful to purity before marriage."
[ Contributed by Pope John Paul II speaking for Shirley god-- Aug. 19, 2000
]
Shirley god saith, "You cannot have a biblical local
church without Sunday School."
Shirley god saith, "All true Baptist churches must
be planted by another Baptist church, which is descended from John the Baptist
and maybe even Korah."
Shirley god saith, "Get thee church busses to bring
the children to Jesus. That way, the back seats of your automobiles will
no be soiled by those little brats."
Shirley god commands that a perfect church makes the
youth and children the center of attention.
Shirley god wants the children to be sent away from the
adults as much as possible, especially for worship.
Shirley god is pleased when you have an Easter sunrise
service to mix pagan sun worship with the resurrection story, especially
if you do so with another church which you know is on the Broad Way."
Shirley god loves to see the Lord's people make a big
thing of Christmas, for this is what the pagan blips did in Ezekiel 8 as
they faced Babylon and celebrated the return of the god Marduk.
Shirley god wants all pastors to be on call at the local
mortuary so that they can bury as many wicked sinners as possible instead
of letting the dead bury their own dead.
Shirley god loves to see patriotic rallies and flags
waving in the church house several times a year.
Shirley god wants church leaders who cannot make up their
minds until they have consulted their wives.
Shirley god wants the parking lot of the church house
resurfaced before a new missionary is put on the roster.
Shirley god wants the local church to build its new facilities
by going as far as possible in debt and selling bonds to ungodly neighbors.
Shirley god wants the local church registered as a nonprofit
corporation with Caesar, just like the Gay Liberation Task Force and NAMBLA.
Shirley god wants the church leaders to be wealthy and
to use their giving to influence the management of the church and the "direction"
of the new pastor.
Shirley god wants laws to be made about dress and chivalry
rather than to teach the Word on the subject, and see if the Holy Spirit
may take care of the thing without laws. Shirley god knows that Law is safer
than trusting the Holy Spirit.
Shirley god knows that no one is any good for Christian
service unless they have gone to Bob Jones University or Tennessee Temple.
Shirley god hates divorce, but he understands that bad
things happen, and we cannot untangle the results of sin, so Shirley god
just overlooks divorce after a couple of years.
Shirley god accepts the good old boys who say, "I
don't say much about my religion, I just kind of live it, and I am sure
that Shirley god can use that somehow."
Shirley god loves a good lively time of chopping and
joke telling to "piano coversm up" the people on Sunday morning just before
the worship time.
Shirley god can use a speaker much better who has had
a long flattering introduction before taking the pulpit.
Shirley god saith, "Missionaries are the cream of
the Lord's people, so you can trust it, missionaries are never lazy, and
they can do no wrong."
Shirley god saith, "Get thee up to a local Bible
conference, for the speakers there are much more clever and biblically knowledgeable
than your weasely little pastor."
Shirley god does not approve of too much demonstrative
behavior during a preaching time, like when some deacon shouts, "Amen,
Preach it brother," or, "Don't quit now preacher."
Shirley god must have been very upset when Steve Van
Nattan had already preached for 45 minutes on hell and still had two point
left in his sermon, AND, Brother Sandy MacDonald shouted, "Finish that
sermon preacher!"
Shirley god will receive blip into heaven, even
though he says Buddhists can be saved without believing in Jesus Christ
as their Savior.
Shirley God understands we have liberty
in Christ Jesus which means it is OK to watch any perverted pigslop I want
to on television.
Shirley God understands with this liberty in Christ we
can dress in worldly and provocative ways (to include body piercing and
tatooing) "to be all things to all people so we can win some to Christ".
Shirley God knows all who attend church on Sunday morning,
Sunday night, and Wednesday night are in bondage to rank legalism.
[ The above three contributed by Herbert __________ ]
Shirley god wants us to instill a great deal of self-esteem
into our toddlers, for they will suffer excruciatingly later in life if
we do not.
[ Contributed by Andrew _________]
Shirley god was delighted with the pastor who proudly
acquired advertising space for his church on the marquis of the local theater,
right beside the naked movie ads.
[ Contributed by Rita M _________ ]
Shirley god wants our Pastor to have a nicer office than
Lee Iaccoca, F. Lee Bailey, Bill Gates, and other CEOs.
[ Contributed by a reader ]
Shirley god doesn't mind when the pastor tells the congregation
to close their eyes and put their heads down while he tells sinners to just
raise their hand to receive Jesus (and not come fopiano coversd) because he doesn't
want to embarrass them.
[ Pat & Race- Rancho Mirage, Ca. ]
SHIRLEY GOD
